


Fear and the mind

by TigerWolfDemon



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon Autistic Character, Canon Disabled Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerWolfDemon/pseuds/TigerWolfDemon
Summary: Hordak is heading to face trial at Brightmoon for his crimes. He knows for everything he's done Mercy is out of the question. So he wanted to make the most if his time with the person he cares about the most.
Relationships: Entrapta/Hordak (She-Ra)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 148





	Fear and the mind

Hordak had expected the worst as they made their way into Brightmoon's palace. He knew what he had done and the lives he took, and families he destroyed. The ghosts of his past draped over him with a pain as familiar to him as the aches in his bones. He was a criminal. 

He looked at Entrapa who was bubbly as ever, bouncing around excitedly talking about all the horde tech they could dismantle and repurpose. His acid green eyes glanced at one of the spires in the distance. The pain, terror and hatred it represented. He quickly looked at Entrapa then back at the tower and viewed it as she saw it. A cornucopia of potential. Something that will eventually come to bring a better quality of life for all of those on Etheria. He smiled bitterly to himself. He wished it were that simple for him. Machines can be taken apart. Parts can be reused and made into something useful. Something helpful. Something.....better. 

A screw is a screw. It holds no sentience, it holds no responsibility for its actions, it doesn't choose where it goes or how it's used. It just is. He isn't like that. He chose to start a war, to build the fright zone, to try to win back his br- Prime's love. He hated that he ever thought he had love from his creator at all. Hated that when given a chance at free will, he still used it to serve. 

Entrapa had told him his imperfections were beautiful, however he doubts she feels the same way about his sins. The blood on his hands remains. He knew the minute he was in Brightmoon, he lived on the time the queen gave him. He wouldn't waste a second. He moved his hand down Entrapa's arm to interlace her fingers with his. He smiled when he felt her lean into his shoulder and her hair snaking around his back. A moment in the warmth of his shining star, the person who has shown him that he is a fool that realized too late the opportunity he had. If he could go back in time, do everything over. He would run to her like a moth to a flame. Spent the rest of his days with his beautiful star til his disease snuffs his life out like a candle. 

This however wasn't that time line. He heard the guards coming before he saw them. He heard her pleading with them. Every word begging for them to release him stung like a knife to his heart. He wanted to fight, to take her and run. He knew however, that the people he hurt deserved justice more than he deserved happiness. He hung his head low and offered no resistance. He hoped fate would be kind to his princess. That she would find someone who deserved her love and gave her all the love he would have, if he had more time. 

He was confused when the guards placed him in a rather large plush room. He expected iron bars, a cold bleak cell for him to make peace with his life in before his end. This. This was not it. He at least expected to be cuffed or chained. However the guards were quick to let go of his arms and left to stand in front of his "cell" door. He sat on the bed and closed his eyes. Exhaustion flowed through his defective body as he tired to think of the last time he slept. He smiled remembering it was the night after Prime died and he fell asleep leaning against his princess. The thought of his head resting on her soft hair, lured him into a peaceful sleep.

He dreamed of a life with her. Of waking up by her side. Her sleeping face shining in the early morning sun. Her soft arms wrapped around his gaunt body. As a clone in a hivemind, he was taught love was for Prime, that love was to use someone for someone else's purpose. It was cold and detached. She had shown him the truth. That love was warm, and personable. It was selfless and it was everything he had ever wanted. He knew he didn't have it long. However he was grateful for the chance to see this side of himself. That he could love. His dream self glanced at his dream Entrapa, who was now awake. She leaned closer to him, her breath warm on his ear as she whispered "Hordak" into his ear. He smiled, a soft rumble came from his chest. 

"Hordak" she said again. He felt her hair tickling his face and he grinned kissing it. It felt so real against his lips and face. The sweet scent of coconut shampoo with a hint of motor oil tickled his nostrils. This was the best dream ever.

"HORDAK"

He woke with a start, bolting up from the plush bed, his eyes wide with panic, before a hand on his shoulder brought him back to Etheria. 

"Entrapta? How are you here?" He asked, his large clawed hand covering hers, just to make sure that she was real. 

"OH! Well I ran to Glimmer after the guards took you away, and then she brought me here. I think she yelled at the guards for not explaining anything to me and not letting me come with you but you were already asleep so I waited for you on the sofa. Then I fell asleep. Then I woke up and I thought I heard you say my name so I wanted to see if you were awake." She rambled happily, with a bright smile on her face as if nothing was wrong. 

He took her in his arms, and held her like his life would go out if he ever let go. He felt his arms and back ache from the effort, but he couldn't care less. He would spend whatever time he had with Entrapa. He felt his heart skip a beat as she wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. She felt so small in his arms, yet so strong. He felt the urge to kiss her face repeatedly. He wanted to tell her how he felt.....how he....loved her. He felt his lips quiver but no words would come out. A surge of anger flooded him that this may be the last he ever sees of her and he can't even say anything to her. Fear eats at his mind. You're a clone. You've never had a friend let alone felt romantic love. You don't even know the difference. He felt tears prick his eyes.

"Hordak? Hordak what's wrong?"

He let out a shaking breath, trying to hold back the waterfall that was about to burst at the seams. "I'm....I'm just happy to see you..."

"I'm happy to see you too" She smiled softly, her cheeks dusted pink.

He felt the question bite at his tongue, he didn't want to know how much time he had left. He wanted the delusion that he had time. That he could use it to understand his feelings. That he could use it to make himself better for her. He knew however that it was foolish. That he needed to know what day with her would be his last. "When....when do I stand trial?" He felt his eyes looking down and his ears flatten. 

"In a few hours, Tomorrow I believe they hold a trial for Catra, then for Scorpia, then for me and then for the soldiers-"

"You saved the Queen's life. Your technology freed all those who were chipped. You should not have to stand trial" He growled, his eyes full of shock and fear. 

"I mean, I did build machines for you to help take over Etheria, and helped build the portal that almost destroyed the world. And I-"

"You worked for me. You were tricked by the cat, and she was the one who pulled the lever. I was the one who wanted to bring Big Br- Prime here. You only did what I asked. You were going to warn me of the consequences of the portal once you realized it. You shouldn't be..." The thought of her being struck down by the head man's axe made his blood run cold, he defined Prime to save her. He lost her once because he was tricked. He wasn't going to let her be killed for his mistakes. He felt his stomach turn at the thought. His breathing was fast.

"Hordak? Hordak are you okay?" Entrapa asked, alarm clear in her voice. She touched his face and he seemed to calm. She looked into his bright green eyes and she recognized his expression. It was fear. She heard him mumble something under his breath. "what was that?"

"I can't lose you. Not again." His voice cracked as tears streamed down his face, "I won't let them." 

She didn't know what to say, she had never seen him look so vulnerable. She knew he was often in pain when he moved. She could see the signs it was coming back. However he had never cried. She pulled him close, and held him tight. Her hands worked small circles in his back like her parents used to do for her when she was crying. 

Neither knew how long they stayed in each other's arms, but the knock at the door told him that it was too long. He was glad he had stopped crying, but the wrinkles and creases on his face from being pressed against the fabric of Entrapta's overalls and the redness under his eyes gave more away than he would have liked. 

The guards' didn't hold his wrists this time. They stayed by him but they let Entrapa walk beside him. She held his arm protectively with her hands. If it had been any other time he would have laughed at seeing someone so small protecting someone nearly twice their size. However he knew her strength and her ability. He had wasted so much time, he wasn't about to let his pride ruin the last few seconds that they had left. If it made him look weak then it was at least honest. 

When they reached the door she gave his hand a tight squeeze. The door opened as he brought her hand up to his lips. He heard the gasps, and saw the deep scarlet on her face. He felt the red creep on his as well. He didn't care. "I won't let any more people get hurt because of my actions" he said softly before walking proudly to the seat in the middle of the room. The queen and the other princesses all were seated high above him. He could feel them glaring down. He watched as the queen cast a truth spell on him and felt the eyes from the rest of the crowd narrow in on him. 

"Hordak, you stand here for crimes against Etheria and her people. How do you plead?" 

He looked down at the microphone in front of him. "I stand here, not only for my own crimes. But for those who served under me during my horde reign. Anything they did. They did because they thought they were doing the right thing. My clone brothers never had free will under Prime's death. And Entrapa...only ever did what she was asked and was going to inform me of the consequences of the portal before she was attacked. They're innocent. And I will not see them hurt. I know the hurt I have caused your people and this planet are beyond forgiveness. That the blood that stains my hands are mine only to hold. That those who I have hurt deserve justice for my actions. That I don't deserve mercy. I only ask that the only one you hurt is me. And that my execution be swift. I- I'm guilty."

"That....that was not what I expected." The queen seemed oddly shaken up by his words. "Well, that leaves a good chunk of these questions pointless....let's see, ah. Okay. How did you, and the other clones view Horde Prime?" 

Hordak felt his world burn at that question, he felt his hatred bubble up and the truth spilled from his mouth, "He was our God, he was the end all be all of our existence. We existed only to serve him and we had no private thoughts of our own. We were nothing to him, but he made us think that he was our everything. When....when I was abandoned by Horde Prime, it was like everything I ever knew was lost. I was alone for the first time in my life. I was cast out by my god and I desperately wanted to return to his side. I thought if I conquered Etheria in his name he would bring me back into his light. I didn't know how truly monstrous he was until I started to learn more about.....friendship. I realized far too late that he wasn't this wonderful God I had been taught. Then I was tortured for my crimes. I placed in the....the pool" Hordak felt that tightness in his chest start again, he suddenly felt like breathing was hard as he swore he could feel the acid green pool taking him back under, his hands shook as he continued, "it is supposed to revitalize unworthy clones and bring them back into Big Brother's light. It erases memories and causes...." Hordak had not realized it but he was hyperventilating as he talked. He swore he could start to feel the horrid burning of the pool. Like his body was being eaten away. He bit back a scream of pure agony and the world went black. 

He felt his hands gripping something tightly, and then heard a voice that sounded like his own. His eyes looked down to see Entrapta. He sees the fear in her eyes. As the voice continues.

"She means something to you, Little Brother. You really have fallen far astray from my light." That dreaded voice moves his arm to aim his cannon at Entrapta's chest. "I wonder how you'll feel when her head is mounted on my wall"

The shot was deafening. He was screaming in the back of his mind but all he could hear was Prime's laughter. His eyes forced to see his shining star, his princess, his lab partner, with a hole in her chest. Her eyes still wet from the tears. The smell of burnt clothing and hair filled his nostrils as his heart shattered into pieces. He felt himself scream.

He shot out of bed. Panic still heavy in his mind as he frantically scanned the unfamiliar room. "Entrapta?!" He called. His voice hoarse and strained. 

"I'm here! I'm here Hordak!" She grabbed his hands. His breathing immediately slowed down, tears fell from his eyes. "Hey, it's okay now. You're in Brightmoon's infirmary. You had a pretty bad panic attack and the stress caused you to pass out."

"Infirmary? But I thought I was going to be executed?" 

"WHAT" She yelled before immediately quieting herself at his pinned back ears, "Sorry, No they're not going to kill you. They're definitely going to punish you but they had no intentions of killing you. Is that why you were so scared earlier today? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't- I don't...know. I thought it was set in stone. I didn't take any other option as a possibility...." He looked down.

She lifted his chin with her hair. "It's going to be okay Hordak. Whatever they make you do. I'm going with you. And Perfuma offered to help you through some of your abandonment issues with meditation and you can always talk to me. And we can get started on making you some new armor. Oh I was thinking about using -" Shs rambled on showing him schematics of his old armor and blueprints for new designs she had come up with.

He smiled, he was never one to not listen to her. But he couldn't help but lose focus on her words. He had considered himself a dead man walking since Horde Prime's defeat. He had time. He looked at her and it was like he was seeing her for the first time. He didn't know what he would do. Or what his punishment would be, but knowing this amazing woman would be by his side wherever it went. He didn't care. He felt a grin form on his face and he laughed. A true full laugh free from worry and strife for the first time in his life.


End file.
